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My former Chinese language teacher once said: "People's memories of the past always layer a beautiful filter." I somewhat agree. But my homeroom teacher once said: "One should be willing to let go of the past, so that one can go into battle lightly." I scoffed at this and even strongly opposed it. The reason will be explained later.

Everyone's memories surely contain a variety of events. Of course there are good ones and bad ones, such as success and embarrassment. It cannot be denied that for the unknown future, the past is certain and known. And the known can precisely overcome fear of the unknown. An ancient saying goes: "First look at what you already have!" Therefore, we are unlikely to forget the past.

But this raises some problems, for example, you may harbor regrets about past missed opportunities. This is normal and common. However, if you endlessly regret these misses, it will evolve into an obsession, and at some moment it will surface, pulling you into an infinite stream of negative emotions. Of course, avoiding all of this is simple: just let go of the past.

Here’s the catch: is it possible for an obsession to be so easily released? If it’s easy to let go, how could it be called an obsession? At least there is one thing I couldn’t let go. When Yiwei was young, he loved programming very much; let’s not discuss how well he coded. [In fact he also won a very high level (at least I think so): City First Prize and District Second Prize (the higher-level Special Prize, which devastated me because the original work was considered plagiarism, and the organizers hadn’t issued evidence)] At that time I was facing the transition to middle school, and I wanted to continue to develop programming. As far as I know (actually my dad told me), there was a class like this at YC Middle School. I really wanted to go, but my math was too weak, causing me not to pass the entrance exam; if I used connections, not to mention money, whether I could find one would be a problem. Not to mention YC only switched to the public system in my second year of middle school—that was previously a private school, so tuition was a problem. And at that time I had already been admitted to a relatively good middle school (publicly said to be among the top two), which was settled with spot admission; this matter was left unresolved.

Funny enough, Yiwei at the time didn't even know that the so-called "class in this area" was the Informatics Olympiad. But not knowing is fine; even if I had known, it would have been of little use—because public schools simply lack the energy and resources to run competitions. As for why I fell into this obsession, I must mention my math teacher. My impression of her is mixed; after all, her math ability was indeed high, I must admit. But what ruined the impression was her deliberate sarcasm and meanness (to be honest, when she was nice, she was like a different person). I still remember the sentence she sneered at when I first arrived: "Sit down, you’re a product of extracurricular tutoring." I’m not sure she remembers me; but I will remember her for life. (Perhaps this counts as an obsession too?) And there was the kid who was always on her lips saying "That was awesome" (this person I will also remember for life). According to her, her child seems to have won a National Informatics Olympiad first prize or something. However, at that time I only won a City First Prize (the only one I had in middle school).

From then on, with the various misfortunes in high school, my regrets deepened, eventually turning into an obsession. An obsession, if persisted, becomes a disease.

Memory has a characteristic: it tends to remember unpleasant things more clearly. Now back to the opening question: why are people so nostalgic? This does not weaken with age; it grows stronger. Therefore, people will always have an attachment to past events.

Afterword

Obsession is something that cannot be completely resolved, but its influence can be reduced as much as possible. For example, understanding the choices at the time. In fact, I now understand that if I had chosen the Olympiad path back then, I might not have reached the heights I am at today. I must admit that the obsession still exists, but its impact on me is actually much smaller.

Life is made up of countless choices. In a single timeline, there is no possibility of redoing. Therefore, cherish the present, allow the departed to exist, allow the living to move toward the future, rather than dwelling in loss.

易曦维光

2025.9.26